Day 12, 2006

Keep on having bad mood morning, waking up in terrible mood. Ever since I returned to the office, this mood has been there everytime I wake up. A mood that keeps me from waking up fresh, excited, and ready. It is a mood that is cold, weakening, and attempt to nail me into my bed.

And worst, it amplifies my most dreadful hard-to-let-go instinct: erotic fantasies.

As you might have seen in STRIVESTUDIO, I have the talent to draw sexy woman, in (and out) of their lingeries. They are born out of my wild fantasies that have been there ever since (even before) I reached puberty. Like so many boys, I have erotic fantasies throughout my life. But I have a strong feeling that the fantasies in me are stronger, given the fact that my fantasy making neurons seem to be far more active than most boys.

That erotic instinct is the one that I have been trying to subdue to no avail. It seems to have grown stronger these later days, perhaps for the reason that I have stated on my post yesterday.

It’s a bothersome thing, but somehow, like so many people that have been doing bad things over and over till it is done automatically, I have no logic in me to let it go, fearing that without it, my life will be emptier.

Eventhough it’s not drugs or alcohols, it’s still a taxing habits: draining my energy to keep it in check and locked inside me.

The urge is syphoning my energy and I have a feeling it shall be my undoing.

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